Has anyone heard of Thomas Malthus? And by “anyone” I mean anyone that isn’t an Ethicist or a Nobel Laureate? And by “anyone that isn’t” I mean a real person? For those of you haven’t: Thomas Malthus was a guy born in 1766 who considered that the bigger a population gets, the worse it gets. In other words he predicted the movies Soilent Green, Z.P.G. and Logan’s Run long before their successes in Hollywood. Malthus argued that a population should be curbed before its resources are stretched too thin. He was a thinker, a dreamer and a profit who, prior to his contemporaries (and the Matrix) dared to imagine that the human race is, at its worst, little more than a virus. I submit to you that he was right. I submit to you that humanity is a polyp or cancer; a very small part of a greater whole that for some reason (inexplicable to biology) has decided to function contrary to the well-being of its host organism. Who am I to say such a thing? I’m an angry drunk with a box of wine and an overpriced internet connection.
But seriously… you want to know who I am? I’m a balloon artist. I’m a short, fat and creepy balloonatic that people invite into their homes. Twice, sometimes three, or even four times a week I’m called out to the middle of nowhere to entertain kids and more importantly to impress friends by blowing, as hard as I can, to create balloon dogs, swords, hats and other items of ephemeral interest.
“Golly gee… What d’ya mean when ya say ‘impress your friends?'” That’s a good question and it deserves a good answer. Unfortunately I can’t give you a good answer. Why? Because society wont let me. Society wants quick, easy answers that make people feel good. Society is based on a flimsy framework held together only by smart people telling dumb people what they want to hear because the sad truth is there are far more dumb people than smart and the minority knows that the second the majority figures out how stupid they are, everyone is screwed.
Well screw you society. Even though I can provide a feel-good answer I’m going to give you a good one (instead) because to the core of my being I feel it’s the right thing to do and here goes: It’s true… Kids parties today are thrown more for grownups so it’s of the utmost importance that a hostess impress her friends & other adult guests. If you don’t believe me just ask experts like Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray or Oprah. According to them nothing is more important than the picture perfect party. After all moms are perfect; aren’t they? They’re infallible and no one has the right to expect anything less than perfection when it comes to something as ideal as a birthday party. Birthdays are the ultimate opportunity for moms to shine.
So what goes into a perfect party? According to the experts you should be ashamed unless your party includes the following: an abundance of immaculately displayed food, music, an expensive venue, inflatable bouncy-houses , a face-painter. gift-bags, a theme consistent with something the other moms at your party will recognize from popular culture, a balloon artist… and kids (as long as they don’t touch anything).
Kids at a perfect party really are a nuisance because kids don’t watch Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray, or Oprah. Kids don’t care how perfect the food food is, how expensive the venue is, or how many bouncy-houses they have. No matter what you hear on daytime TV the truth is that the only things kids need at a party are love, family & friends. So since kids don’t share the same values; why bother to impress them? Just get what’s on the list: food, music, venue, etc. Let’s skip over the other items and talk about balloons.
People don’t expect much from balloons. The most popular item is and probably always will be a dog. I was at a party yesterday where people didn’t expect much from me but I gave them more than the average balloon artist ever would have. The party was in Kent, Washington and boy was it perfect. They had everything on the list, including a cotton candy machine.
Kent is one of the armpits of the greater Seattle area; a mélange of business parks, shopping centers and suburban sprawl joked about by those of us who live in a real city. It’s also home to the King County Regional Justice Center and for the convenience of Kent tourists host to no less than 10 different bail bond agencies. I wasn’t lucky enough to visit the jail, or a bail bondsman but I did visit a very large family celebrating the first birthday of a bouncing baby boy.
For children’s entertainers first birthdays are like what mine-fields are to soldiers. For people like Oprah & Martha Stewart first birthdays are like an alleyway near the needle exchange… Ripe with desperate people who will do anything to escape the drudgery of their miserable lives. The truth is I feel bad for moms who get conned into thinking that everything has to go according to the gospel of Rachel Ray and I feel especially bad for dads who have to pay for it all. But I felt no sympathy for these people. Had they been born in the 1700’s they would’ve been among those at the top Malthus’ hit list.
The mom was, by her own admission, an anal-retentive freak or as she so colorfully phrased it “anal.” She booked me several months in advance and once a month, every month would e-mail and/or call me to re-confirm our appointment. I was hoping she’d calm down the day of the party, when all her best laid plans could finally come to fruition, but instead her anxiety only blossomed.
I arrived on time discovering that she had absconded with her son in-order to change his costume. No, this wasn’t a Halloween party nor was it even a costume party. It was an excuse for her to dress the kid up in a silly outfit before he was old-enough to run away & develop a crack habit.
But more than that the party was an excuse for adults to drink. Working as a balloon artist I’ve been to nearly 1,000 events, not all of them were aimed towards kids but of those that were I was never able to understand the presence of booze. Don’t get me wrong I love drinking and if I didn’t have to maintain constant vigil against the threat of alcohol-poisoning I’d stay drunk all the time. But last time I checked kids weren’t heavy drinkers; so can anyone explain to me the rationale behind an open bar at a first birthday party? Oh wait… Now I remember… Kids birthdays aren’t for kids. Still, advertizing myself as a children’s entertainer I should at-least maintain the subterfuge of being kid-friendly which means It’s my responsibility to politely decline when offered a beer. Here’s what the mom said to me in response “Are you sure? I can put it in a plastic cup so you don’t look hot.” Hot? Welcome to Kent.
So the grownups were drinking. Not everyone turns into a mean drunk but some people do and at this party I dealt with two very mean drunks. The first was an older woman who at the time I imagined was somebodies grandma; but in retrospect she was carrying a small baby so unless she was just holding for a friend she could’ve been artificially aged by whiskey. A boy was asking for a sword & shield when, with baby in tow, grandma pushed her way through the group of kids surrounding me and stopping behind the nine year old, interrupted him saying “Hey, there are other people here to you know!” I looked at her and in defense of the boy & other kids said something like “Miss… this boy was definitely here first so I’m going to finish with him.” The worst thing you can do to a stupid person is be smart. The worst thing you can do to a drunk is be sober and if you can imagine my sober tone offending this woman to the nth degree then you’ll understand her bursting in to flames when after helping the nine year old boy I helped the next person ahead of her; a three year old girl.
“Oh… Now you’re just doing this on purpose!” I didn’t know how to respond. Of course I was doing this on purpose. I was 100% guilty of helping kids who were waiting patiently, in the order that they were waiting. I confessed my sin to her as gently as I could but if there’s one lesson my readers can take from this article it’s: don’t mess with whiskey-granny. She was so blinded with rage that she couldn’t look me in the eye, speaking instead to an unoccupied corner of the room and saying “I don’t even care anymore… Just make me something!” so I made her a balloon heart.
This is when the hostess came over to ask how everything was going, of course before I could answer, whiskey-granny chimed in insisting that I was being rude to her and asking for my card, presumably to affect some revenge-scheme on Yelp. It’s unfortunate that I was fresh-out of business cards but I’m sure whiskey-granny wasted no time complaining to the other drunks… Which brings me to my next intoxicating encounter…
After huffing & puffing on balloons for an hour I sat down to do face-painting. No more than five minutes into this did I spy another woman, holding a baby, trying to oust some boy from his place in line. Although her approach was different from granny’s I can’t give her any points for originality because she trotted out the old “My baby’s so precious” routine, flaunting her infants cuteness to cut through polite society with all the subtlety of a battering-ram. As far as gambits go its a good one; but I am not a good man. I am a horrible ogre who insists that people be served according their place in line (rather than how glassy their eyes are). So again I spoke in defense of civility “Well… I really won’t take very long and to be honest I’m not sure that your baby cares one way or the other… so I don’t think she’ll mind waiting an extra minute.” Here’s where my competence as a writer fails to capture the moment; remember old Looney-Tune cartoons where a really stuck-up person would throw their nose into the air? This woman didn’t use her nose but somehow her whole body seemed to flinch with insufferable indignity and after a silent “Hmph!” she and her baby simply stood at the end of the line like everyone else. But her story didn’t end there.
An eight year old girl sat down in the chair beside me and I asked “What can I get you?” The woman with the baby was next in line and before the eight year old could answer said “You should get-”
Never-mind what, the point is she said “You should.” I have a lot pet-peeves but chief among them are people who say “You should.” “You should” in the this context may well have been followed with “-please me.” or “-do what I say.” because nobody ever says “You should” unless they either think they’re right or want to be in control. I think that of all the things that hold me back in the balloon business my eagerness to act in favor of kids is at the top of the list because as soon as I heard “You should” my knee-jerk reaction was to interrupt with “Now hold on… Let’s let her choose.” As you can imagine this didn’t go over very well.
“Oh my God!” was the knee-jerk reaction the woman gave in response and out of nowhere the hostess appeared. “How are things going?” she asked and (naturally) the most angry person replied first. Again I was accused of being rude. Again I was forced to state calmly & rationally that all I was trying to do was make balloons & provide face-painting at a kids birthday party.
To make a long story short the angry woman got out of line and left. In retrospect she was only one drunk out of two but I suggest that one out of any number is one to many. I finished painting and while most of the guests were focused on the pinata I found the dad so I could get paid & go home. Through his slurred speech I ascertained that he was asking me “Didn’t I pay you already?” and after giving my word that the answer was “No” he put down his bottle of beer and pulled out his wallet… The man had thousands of dollars in it (undoubtedly prepared to pay a small fortune for any fiduciary responsibility) and handed me two hundred dollar bills. Excepting a 10 dollar tip I gave him his change and sprinted toward the door as fast as my fat little legs could carry me.
So here I am, stewed the gills, complaining about drunks. What’s the point? The point is that I’m tired. I’m tired of listening to experts who convince parents that pouring money into a perfect party is the best way of earning a trophy for unsung heroes. I’m tired of the dishonesty, the sugar-coated lies that I and undoubtedly all other children’s entertainers have to tell in-order to make a living. I’m tired of giving everything I have to kids, only to suffer ridicule and unwarranted criticism from overbearing adults who, thanks to Twitter, Facebook and other soapboxes have a venue for their complaints. So from now on this is my venue. I go to a party at least twice a week and while I’m there I expect grownups to be on their best behavior. Because I’m human and as a human I wonder if Thomas Malthus was right; is our population stretched to thin? Collectively do we have too few resources, or too little brain-power? How many of my customers will be able to answer that question when I put it to them?
Earlier I said that I gave these people more than the average balloon artist ever would have. I didn’t mean balloons and I didn’t mean face-painting. I meant intelligence. When I left it was with two pissed-off grownups in my wake, upset only because they met someone who wasn’t willing to put up their BS. That’s the best thing I or any other intelligent person can do for the mentally infirmed. Leave them angry… because angry people have a hell of a lot more motivation than happy people and maybe (god willing) when they’re angry enough they’ll find the motivation to change.
iheartmalthus 
